What happened when the cow tried to jump over a barbed wire fence? Udder destruction.

When I was in the supermarket I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode. I asked, “Are you two an item?”

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

I used to be a nun, but I got expelled because of my dirty habits.

I used to be a transplant surgeon, but my heart just wasn’t in it.

I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way

I used to be a train driver but I got sidetracked.

I used to be a tailor, but found the work to be just so-so.

I tried working in a bakery, but was told I wasn’t “bread” for it.

A guy walks into the psychiatrist’s office wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The shrink says, “Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts.”

I used to be a hotel clerk, but then I had reservations.

What did the toy store sign say? Don’t feed the animals. They are already stuffed.

What musical is about a train conductor? “My Fare, Lady”

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, “So, why the long face?”

Old printers never die, they’re just not the type.

What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block

Old cooks never die, they just get deranged.

What did the chimpanzee say when his sister had a baby? Well, I’ll be a monkey’s uncle.

A termite walks into a bar and says, “Is the bar tender here?”

Old photographers never die, they just stop developing.

This duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. “Four bucks,” says the bartender. “Put it on my bill.”

Old seers never die, they just lose their vision.

What is the difference between a frog and a cat? A frog croaks all the time, a cat only nine times.

Old bosses never die, much as you want them to.

What would you get if you crossed a parrot with a centipede? A walkie-talkie.

There is no conclusive evidence about what happens to old skeptics, but their future is doubtful.

Shakespeare walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. “I can’t serve you.” says the bartender. “You’re Bard!”

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn’t concentrate.

A piece of string walked into a bar and said “Gimme a beer!” but the bartender said “Get outta here! We don’t serve your kind here!” So the string left, but he was thirsty, and he really wanted a beer, so he messed up his hair real badly and looped himself around until he had tied himself into a knot. When the string went back into the bar, the bartender looked at him suspiciously and said “Aren’t you that worthless piece of string I just threw outta here?” No, the string replied, “I’m a frayed knot!”

They arrested a man for passing himself off as the comedian named Seinfeld….the charge was playjerism.

Old electricians never die, they just lose contact.

What Disney movie is about a stupid boyfriend? Dumb Beau

What is the religion of a woman who had a sex-change operation. A HeThen

Old limbo dancers never die, they just go under.

What is the purpose of reindeer? It makes the grass grow, sweetie.

Old sculptors never die, they just lose their marbles.

Old hypochondriacs never die, they just lose their grippe.

Old professors never die, they just lose their class.

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says “dam”

Old sewage workers never die, they just waste away.

Old investors never die, they just roll over.

I used to be a shoe salesman, till they gave me the boot.

What would you get if you crossed an electric eel with a sponge? A shock absorber.

A skeleton walks into a bar and says, “Gimme a beer, and a mop.”

What Disney movie is about a gal who couldn’t rise above a housecleaning position? The Little Mere Maid
Old owls never die, they just don’t give a hoot.

I used to sell computer parts, but then I lost my drive.

Old mathematicians never die, they just disintegrate.

What is the difference between one yard and two yards? A fence

I used to be a carpenter, but then I got bored.

Old hippies never die, they just smell that way.

I used to work at an orange juice factory, but I was canned because I couldn’t concentrate.

Old steelmakers never die, they just lose their temper.

What is the difference between a miser and a canary? One’s a little cheap and the other is a little cheeper.

Old tanners never die, they just go into hiding.

What did the religious owner of a pest control company tell his workers he sent them off to their assignments each day? Brothers and sisters, let us spray?

Old policemen never die, they just cop out.

Did you hear about the butcher who backed into his meat grinder & got a little behind in his work?

This mushroom walks into a bar and starts hitting on this woman. She, of course, turns him down. Not willing, to give up, he pleads with her, “C’mon lady, I’m a fun guy.”

They arrested the bartender for taking liquor home. I believe the official charge was “emboozlement.”

I tried to make the plump ladies see the error of their weighs.

Old number theorists never die, they just get past their prime.

Old chauffeurs never die, they just lose their drive.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him $50 that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, ‘no, the steaks are too high.’

They arrested the former chewing gum manufacturer for unlicensed ex-spearmints.

Why couldn’t the chicken find her eggs? Because she mislaid them.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Old bookkeepers never die, they just lose their figures.

They arrested the Chrysler salesman and he couldn’t a-Ford bail.

Old sailors never die, they just get a little dingy.

Old programming wizards never die, they just recurse.

They arrested a woman for causing an accident while on her cellphone….she was charged with driving while intalksicated.

What happened to the woman with ten children? She went stork raving mad.

Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver.

What do you get if you cross a bullet and a tree with no leaves? A cartridge in a bare tree.

What is a mouse’s favorite game? Hide and Squeak

I used to be a marathon runner, but couldn’t stand the agony of de feet.

Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.

A neutron walks into a bar. “I’d like a beer” he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. “How much will that be?” asks the neutron. “For you?” replies the bartender, “no charge”

Old hardware engineers never die, they just cache in their chips.

Old quarterbacks never die, they just pass away.

What would you get if you crossed a mole with a porcupine? A tunnel that leaks.

Old schools never die, they just lose their principals.

Old doctors never die, they just lose their patience.

What is the difference between an ornithologist and a stutterer? One is a bird watcher, and the other is a word botcher.

What is the difference between a well dressed man and a dog? The man wears a suit, the dog just pants.

Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says “Oi – get out! We don’t want your type in here”

Old numerical analysts never die, they just get disarrayed.

Where do you find giant snails? On the ends of giant’s fingers.

Old chemists never die, they just fail to react.