Little Kid

A little kid is sitting on a park bench eating a bag of chocolates an old man walking by stops to say that if he continues to eat like that he won`t live very long; indignantly the kid says “oh yeah my grandfather lived to be 104 years old ” the old man replies “I’m sure he did kid. But it wasn`t from eating all that chocolate “oh no sir ” says the kid, it was by minding his own business!

Saw Mill Workers

Two Newfies landed themselves a job at a saw mill.
Just before morning the one yelled, “Mick! I lost me finger! ”
“Have you now? ” says Mick. “And how did you do it? ”
“I just touched this big spinning thing here… No! There goes another one! ”

The Patient and His Will

The patient shook his doctor’s hand in gratitude and said, “Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will. ”
“That is very kind of you,” said the doctor emotionally, and then added, “Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I’d like to make a little change. ”

George Costanza’s (from Seinfeld) advice

Creative Sighing for Effect. Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are very hard pressed.

Water

An instructor in chemical warfare asked soldiers in his class: “Anyone knows the formula for water? ”
“Sure. That’s easy,” said one man. “What is it? ”
“H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O. ”
“What, what? ” reasked the instructor. “H to O,” explained the chemistry expert.

Kids and Religion

A kindergartner was practicing spelling with magnetic letters on the refrigerator: cat, dog, dad, and mom had been proudly displayed for all to see. One morning while getting ready for the day, he bounded into the room with his arms outstretched. In his hands were three magnetic letters: G-O-D. “Look what I spelled, Mom! ” with a proud smile on his face. “That’s wonderful! ” his mom praised him. “Now go put them on the fridge so Dad can see when he gets home tonight. ” The mom happily thought that her son’s Catholic education was certainly having an impact. Just then, a little voice called from the kitchen: “Mom? How do you spell ‘zilla’? ”

The Pope and arthritis

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, “Say, father, what causes arthritis? ”
“Mister, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man. ”
“Well I’ll be. ” the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. “I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long did you have arthritis? ”
“I don’t have it father. I was just reading here that the Pope does. ”

Stupid but funny

A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful, he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. “I feel terrible,” he explained, “I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it. ” The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 yards away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved and hopped down the road, another 50 yards, turned, waved and hopped another 50 yards. The man was astonished. He couldn’t figure out what substance could be in the woman’s spray can!! He ran over to the woman and asked, “What is in your spray can? What did you spray on that rabbit? ” The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: “Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave. ”

Going to the other side

The priest was preparing a man for his long day’s journey into night.
Whispering firmly, the priest said,
“Denounce the Devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil! ”
The dying man said nothing.
The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing.
The priest asked, “Why do you refuse to denounce the Devil and his evil? ”
The dying man said, “Until I know where I’m heading, I don’t think I
ought to aggravate anybody! ”

Stupid People

So there were two guys on a roof, pounding nails. One guy pounded a nail in, then picked up another. He was holding the nail upside down. He unexpectedly threw the nail away. He picked up another nail, right side up this time, and pounded this in. He eventually threw so many upside down nails away, that his friend came over. “Eh, what you doing? How come you’re throwing away all those nails? ” he asked. “Because they’re upside down,” the friend replied. The other guy looks at the friend, then, after some thought, says, “You Idiot, save them for the ceiling! ”

A Political Fairytale

A little girl asked her father, “Daddy? Do all Fairy Tales begin with Once Upon A Time? “And he replied, “No, there is a whole series of Fairy Tales that begin with ‘If Elected I promise…’”

Helping out the New Employee

The new employee stood before the paper shredder looking confused.
“Need some help? ” a secretary asked.
“Yes,” he replied. “How does this thing work? ”
“Simple,” she said, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it into the shredder.
“Thanks, but where do the copies come out? ”

An Investigative Study by Sherlock Holmes

Sherlock Holmes and Mat thew
Watson were on a camping and hiking trip. They had gone to bed and were lying there looking up at the sky. Holmes said, “Watson, look up.
What do you see?
“Well, I see thousands of stars. ”
“And what does that mean to you? ”
“Well, I guess it means we will have another nice day tomorrow. What does it mean to you,
Holmes? ”
“To me, it means someone has stolen our tent. ”

Taxes and Flags

A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag.  “Our flag symbolizes our taxes,” he said. “We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them. “  “That’s the same with us,” the American said, “only we see stars, too. ”

Double Negatives

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day. “In English,” he said, “A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative. ” A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right. ”

Professor Knows Best

One day our professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A pre-med student rudely interrupted to ask, “Why do we have to learn this pointless information ”
“To save lives. ” the professor responded quickly and continued the lecture.
A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again.
“So how does physics save lives? ” he persisted.
“It keeps the ignoramuses like you out of medical school,” replied the professor.

A Stutter

A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a dept. store and asks -”W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment? “The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing. The man repeats himself: “W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment? “Again, the clerk doesn`t answer him. The guy asks several more times: “W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment? ” And the clerk just seems to ignore him. Finally, the guy is angry and storms off. The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, “why wouldn`t you answer that guy’s question? “The clerk answers, “D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beat up?!! ”

Hillary

During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room,
peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.
“There’s no easy way to say this, so I’ll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year. ”
Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman’s lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller’s gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question:
“Will I be acquitted? ”

Not Long To Live

Man walks into the Doctors office. “I have the results of your test and I’m afraid your going to die ” Says the Doctor. The Man asks “How long do I have to live? ” “Ten “, replies the Doctor. “What the hell does that mean “, the Man asks. “Ten Years, Ten Months, Ten weeks, What? ” The Doctor Replies “Nine ”

Let Me Finish

Teacher: Johnny, give me a sentence starting with “I “. Little Johnny: I is… Teacher: No, Little Johnny. Always say “I am. “Little Johnny: All right. “I am the ninth letter of the alphabet. ”

Solving the Traffic Problem

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.

Hokey Pokey

There was a great loss today in the entertainment world. The man who wrote the song “Hokey Pokey ” died.
What was really horrible is that they had trouble keeping the body in the casket.
They put his left leg in….
Well, you know the rest.

Here’s Your Sign

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads “low bridge ahead. ” Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, “Got stuck, huh? “The truck driver says, “No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas. ”

Awesome Kid

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She walked around to look at the artwork. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, “I’m drawing God. “The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like. Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, “They will in a minute. ”

Helping a Kid Out

A man is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boy’s efforts for some time, the man moves closer to the boy’s position.
He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child’s shoulder, leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring.
Crouching down to the childs level, the man smiles benevolently and asks, “And now what, my little man? ”
The boy replies, “Now we run! ”

Constipation in the Bible

Who are the five most constipated men in the Old Testament?1) Cain wasn’t Abel.2) Moses went up onto the mountain and took two tablets.3) King David sat on the throne for forty years.4) Solomon – neither heaven nor Earth could move him.5) Noah was at sea for forty days and forty nights and all he passed was water.

Blind Pilots

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way.
The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog.
Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.
At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway.
The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.
Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking.
So me passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.
When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.
Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: “You know, one of these days the passengers aren’t going to scream, and we aren’t going to know when to take off! ”

Questions and Answers

Should you have any questions during the exam,just raise your hand. This should cause enough blood to flow to your brain to answer it yourself.

Arrogant Officers

Two men were boasting to each other about their old army days. “Why, my outfit was so well drilled,” declared one, “that when they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap, click. ” “Very good,” conceded the other, “but when my company presented arms you’d just hear slap, slap, jingle. ” “What was the jingle? ” asked the first. “Oh,” replied the other offhand, “just our medals. ”

The Corporate World

The Americans and Japanese decided to engage in a boat race. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance levels. On the big day they felt ready.  The Japanese won by a mile.  The American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommend corrective action.  The consultant’s finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering: the American team had one person rowing and eight people steering.  After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the problem, the consultant firm concluded that too many people were steering and not enough were rowing on the American team. So as race day neared again the following year, the American’s team management structure was completely reorganized. The new structure: four steering managers, three area steering managers, and a new performance review system for the person rowing the boat to provide work incentive. The next year, the Japanese won by TWO miles!  Humiliated, the American corporation laid off the rower for poor performance and gave the managers a bonus for discovering the problem.

Kids Stealing Watermelon

A farmer in the country has a watermelon patch and upon inspection he discovers that some of the local kids have been helping themselves to a feast. The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit-eating situation. So he puts up a sign that reads: “WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS CYANIDE! “He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night without eating any of his melons. The farmer returns to the watermelon patch a week later to discover that none of the watermelons have been eaten, but finds another sign that reads: “NOW THERE ARE TWO! ”

Memory Loss

An elderly couple had been experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class where one is taught to remember things by association. A few days after the class, the old man was outside talking with his neighbor about how much the class helped him. “What was the name of the Instructor? ” asked the neighbor. “Oh, ummmm, let’s see,” the old man pondered. “You know that flower, you know, the one that smells really nice but has those prickly thorns, what’s that flower’s name? ” “A rose? ” asked the neighbor. “Yes, that’s it,” replied the old man. He then turned toward his house and shouted, “Hey, Rose, what’s the name of the Instructor we took the memory class from? ”

Break the News Softly

One day O’Leary decided to visit his friend Paddy and ask him for a favour. “Paddy my friend “, he said. “I’m going on holiday for a few weeks an I wanted to know if you could come around a couple a times a day to check up on me elderly ma, an feed me cat “. “No problem “, replied Paddy. “You go an have a good time “. So the next day O’Leary left and headed for sunny Florida. However, after a week of him being there, he received a phone call from Paddy. “Everything’s ok over here “, Paddy said. “Except you’re cat. It’s dead “! “What! “, replied O’Leary. “You could have been a bit more sensitive Paddy “! “What do you mean? “, replied Paddy. “Well, one day you could have rang me up and told me that my cat has climbed the tree. The next day you could tell me that it has gone even higher up the tree and refuses to come down. On the third day you could tell me that the cat lost its grip and fell from the tree and had to be taken to the vets because of a broken leg. Then on the fourth day you could have told me that it died peacefully in the vet clinic “, explained O’Leary. So paddy apologized and another week went by, when one day O’Leary got another phone call, it was Paddy again. “All right O’Leary “, he said. “Everything’s ok here, except your ma -She’s climbed the tree and refuses to come down “!

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