If my doctor ever tells me I have three months to live, I’ll probably pick December, January and July.

“Always remember me.” – Anonymous.

It would be nice if Republicans and Democrats could work together to limit Nicolas Cage to 6 movies a year.

This year, measuring your accomplishments against Lindsay Lohan’s will ensure you feel like a winner merely for avoiding the penal system.

Here’s what I’d like for my birthday: Everyone in the world, chewing with their mouths closed for the remainder of my life.

I never mess with anyone in a Pontiac Aztek. I just don’t want to be on the wrong end of another of their poor decisions.

Any ideas for how I can repair some torn duct tape?

Life called: They’re all out of lemons. It’s over.

I’d never appear on Leno now because I have strict ethical standards, so next time you’re watching Leno and you don’t see me that’s why.

Hope they send us home early; I’m not sure how much longer I can pretend to work today.

I wish it was my job to sit around laughing at tweets all day. Actually, he is unaware, but that’s what my boss is paying me to do anyway.

You know what’s more believable than Keanu Reeves as a doctor? ANYTHING.

My suggestion for Reebok’s new marketing campaign: “Nike: Just Do It; Reebok: Do Whatever Feels Right — We’re Not Dictators”

I’d work out, but I’m still trying to perfect my “before” picture

I like it when I open a document and my monitor says WORD and I’m like YO.

Reading a Chinese newspaper is like looking at 1,000 tattoos at once.

Motels 1 through 5 must’ve been real dumps.

Just started a new job and apparently they use the word work less figuratively than I do.

If any one is starting a band, let me know, I’m really good at taking pictures while looking off in the distance.

Don’t you hate when you’re at the mall and there’s a kid that just won’t shut up. You’re like, “SHHH!” And he’s all, “STRANGER! DANGER!

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